UNREQUITED LOVE

With you I have been in love of a kind I have never been before,

Washed by the waves, unable to drown I am struggling at your shore.

Stepped on every stone and pebble that you do,

Breathe the air that touches you,

Felt everything you go through,

So close to you yet far away, I am at a loss when I think what to do !!!

My love is effortless, for my restlessness and desire can never get me to you,

It’s only yours that can get us together, but the chances are few.

To let you go is not easy but to hold on to you is simply crazy,

I doubt whether we share the same feelings, an expert at circumlocution that you are, making everything appear hazy.

My deliberations don’t help me,

The greater I keep the distance the closer they get me.

It’s a cosmic conspiracy,

Of which there is no escape, how do I explain this urgency.

It’s difficult to take off, my emotions are greasy,

Words don’t come easy,

Your presence scares,

Your gruff manners and eccentricity tears.

What a tremendous sense of control you have over me,

I am losing myself on to thee.

I wish it was easy to escape your hypnotic trap and just walk away,

Of which I make futile efforts every day.

My heart is in a civil strife,

Not knowing what it wants, leads to sadistic ripples that cut like a knife.

Will I ever fit into those glass slippers?

I am insidiously burning in your flame that flickers.

Can someone tell you how it creates distortion of self?

Can I ever tell you I need your help?

Can someone tell you, the unstitched corners of my heart need to be sew?

Can I ever tell how intensely I feel for you?

I know my love would disappear one day into the air,

Unsaid, unheard and unanswered, layer by layer,

But I often ask myself would it be fair?

To not let you know somebody at a distance loves you and needs your care.

Strange is this saga of unrequited love,

For it giving this fire within me a fan,

I don’t want to do what I can,

For I am already enjoying this painfully joyous existence, against my logical plan !!!

DEW DIAMONDS

Way long back something bright and twinkling caught my attention

When my little feet were dancing on the wet winter grass full of illusion

It shined and dazzled like diamond reflecting the sun’s penetrating rays

When my innocent curiosity tried to hold the dew drops in multiple ways

The bubbly cheer on my face faded into fear

When I found the dew drops disappear

Tears rolled down my soft plump cheeks

And my little heart broke with pain that still leaks

I ran to mamma for her embrace was my healing balm

Secure was her presence that helped me calm

Not knowing that the world was cruel

I complained her somebody stole my dew drops before I could hold them well

Mamma kissed me on my forehead and hugged me tight

Making every effort to protect my innocent heart that was captured by fright

Said mamma something that bought sparkle to my wet round eyes

That restored hope and I knew they were not lies

“One day will enter an angel into your life from the heaven

And will get you back everything that was ever taken

All you need to do is patiently wait by letting things go

For the angel shall turn the dew drops into diamond which you can hold and show

My child the dew drops were never gone,

They just disappeared so that they again come when its dawn

The dawn upon you of the wisdom

And then shall the angel take you to where you belong, your diamond studded kingdom”

YOU ARE NOT WRONG, BUT DIFFERENTLY RIGHT !!!

For you, I just want to write,

Not knowing what, gives me a fright,

Cause you are so far away from my sight,

But I’ll still write as it gives me so much of delight,

To let you know you are not wrong but differently right !!!

It’s very important you know you are interesting,

And very differently tempting,

You keep me intrigued and I just keep on thinking,

That I can someday match your mental perplexity and just know what makes you so mysteriously stunning !!!

Every time you are gone, I know you are gone to be back again,

And every time you are back it’s like the years first magnificent summer rain.

I just don’t want to hold on; you are beautiful when you are free,

Enjoying myself giggle at your humorous spree.

Knowing the fact that you hurt but you also heal,

I don’t know how to resist and keep myself away from your feel !!!

Have you ever observed these crabs on a beach?

They are just so impossible to reach !!!

Their funny side waddle is just what defines you,

They veer first left and then right,

When you try to get close to them they are just out of your sight !!!

Then you patiently wait to see them beautifully peek out of their shells when the shores rain,

You’ll be tempted to get close to them all over again.

And when you lose hope and just walk away,

You find them lunge forward and grab your toe, not to let you move and just to make you stay !!!

With you I am locked up in a mental alchemy,

Trying to find an answer to this strange symphony,

Submerged in these mysterious equations,

I am at a lose when I figure out your intentions,

You are such a fog,

I wonder whether to give you a cold shoulder or a warm hug !!!

DREAMS ARE MY ONLY REALITY

I can’t dwell in your world it’s too coarse for my sensitive heart,

Let me be delusional and let me hallucinate,

For it gives life to my soul and is my sanctity,

How do I explain that dreams are my only reality!!!

I met you in my dreams,

And every night I still do,

My dreams bring you back to me every time you are gone,

Your logic is of no utility,

How do I explain that dreams are my only reality!!!

I treasure the angel that you are in my dreams... it’s beautiful,

I don’t want to shape you into reality, for it might turn you into a devil... it’s painful,

Be there in my dreams and I’ll love you forever,

Do not touch my reality... I fear it might change you for the worse,

And I’ll be gone one day to be back never.

My dreams give meaning to your existence,

For some day if I fail to close my eyes, you too shall be gone,

Why not close my eyes forever to be with you till eternity,

How do I explain that dreams are my only reality!!!

THE CALL OF MY SOUL

The call of my soul,

If u listen to it I shall be whole...

For I am so incomplete without you, so hollow within,

Like a dormant volcano, the exterior of which seems so serene...

Every moment your presence overwhelms me,

And love for you rolls down from my eyes like river from sea...

My eyes are frantically searching for you,

And I know it’s not easy, cause you are not among few...

How long, how much,

I can’t take it as such...

The wait is killing, pricking and painful,

But it’s also worth it and soulful...

I wonder do you feel same without me,

And if so why are you not here with me?

Yes I desire to be in your arms, to be right next to your heart,

But I really don’t know where and how to make the start...

You are there I am sure,

But I might find you in the wrong one is what I fear...

Every day I pray to god to make me beautiful in your love,

It’s your compliments that I crave for, rest all is fake that I shove...

My eyes still glitter, cause they know they’ll see you soon,

My smile still creates magic, cause you are there in my heart as happiness just like Sunday noon.

I pray it doesn’t get too late and god rewards my faith and patience,

Else when you would come, I should have broken into pieces of which you should find no traces...

THE LEAP OF FAITH

You know I was almost about to give up, thinking that you never connected the way I did. I thought I was creating an unnecessary world of illusion for myself. And then like a miracle I came across this wonderful inspirational interview of Vishen lakhiani on you tube. I could just relate to him so much. He said “reality is nothing but a malleable illusion”: we can bend reality by creating our own visions and believing them to happen. He also said “don’t worry about ‘how’ your dreams come to you, just ask for them and believe they’ll come”. This gave such a boost to my dying spirit. He also spoke of the significance of ESP [extra sensory perception] and the power of the alpha state of the subconscious mind. ESP is something I have been experiencing since childhood and so after listening to his speech my belief in it got strengthened.

There is another paranormal thing that happened to me. I dare to share with you coz I know it’s only you who will understand, rest will laugh it off am sure. Yesterday in the wee hours of the dawn I had a dream, I heard you calling my name and as I turned around a spider crawled upon me. Dreams are the road to unconscious and there’s nothing more powerful than the unconscious mind: I believe this and it’s established as well. Morning when I got up I immediately started writing this and you won’t believe while I am writing this I see a spider crawling on the wall facing opposite to me!!! Now you must be wondering what a spider has to do with all this. Since the past few months I have been closely associated with nature and it was the only source of spiritual guidance and messages. I did everything as per the guidance of the divine through nature, starting from connecting to you telepathically to writing. Trust me writing was a long lost creativity which I realised recently until a spider came my way. It was 3 months back when I wanted you to know what I feel for you [but not through the conventional way]. It was during these moments of contemplation that a strange spider [very rare to sight] crawled into my room, it crawled on my pen and books. I was afraid of it but at the same time I was intrigued by its mysterious presence. Then what next? I immediately resorted to my best friend: Google Search. As I googled I came across some articles on spider totem, the spiritual medicine of spider, shamanism etc. I was enthralled about was I read about spiders. It said spiders visit you when you are at heights of creativity. Spiders visit those who create magic through their words and make their dream come true. Spider is symbolic of patience, feminine energy, magic, creativity and communication. And that’s how I started writing thinking you’ll connect [and I am sure u did, though silently], thinking my words will create magic [get you into my life]. Even when I stopped writing to you few days back, trust me spiders started visiting me again, coaxing me to start writing again [and the result I am writing now].

I was being impatient [I am not as patient as you are], trying to find physical proof of my experiences. I didn’t understand that the right time hasn’t come yet. However I am happy I have found you and now I am trying to gather patience as much as I can: waiting for you is worth it, you are my twin soul. You are the one that captures my attention and captivates me silently, yet steadily into his hypnotic web. You are the one who gives me such a sense of security and honesty, despite the fact that I haven’t seen you, spoken to you nor have known you!!! No one else can match up to you and that’s why I say you are worth waiting for.

The mysterious connections that existed between both of us can’t be false, the subtle clues that you gave me can’t be meaningless, why am I not able to take you off my mind?, why does that recurrent, irritating gut feeling tells, you will come, why is this uncanny feeling that you too are searching for me and are going through everything that I am writing? Why is this strong feeling that I already know you and you are the one I was searching for? Even when I am not writing my mind is connected to you and I feel you are there.

Now I am taking a huge leap, the leap of faith, I’ll not break, I’ll patiently wait till the day comes when our silence will no more speak, it will be our eyes that will speak. I believe that the divinity will bring you to me for you shall never remain untouched by my passion and devotion for you. It’s my faith that will make this miracle happen, I don’t know how, but the miracle will happen for sure. I know you are just like me, you’ll never settle with someone until and unless you find what you are searching for. My quest is over and yours will be over the day you meet me. And to you all that I can say is I am waiting for you, ready to face the challenges of life with you. 

THE DOUBTING THOMAS

You know sometimes I get sceptical about my behaviour, it shocks me to realise that I start behaving so unlike myself.

What am I doing?, why am I doing?, what sense it makes?, what will be the repercussions?, how will I be evaluated?, am I overdoing things?, all these questions create a civil strike in my mind and leads to the ultimate pressure cooker effect.

Too much of over dependence is not good, I must learn to be independent and I don’t know how many lessons more do I need to start practicing it. But the mysterious things that are taking place disturb me. They shake my mental equilibrium and my usually level headed logic. Sometimes I think my super sensitivity and intuition are just a curse. Just imagine how difficult it is when you sense something but there is no evidence around. There is no other alternative than waiting for time to answer you and waiting !!! my god it was not something I was born for, I am born impatient.

I don’t write for anyone, I write for myself and trust me I don’t write, some external force makes me write. It’s through this that I get relief from the horrible pressure cooker effect. It somehow helps me stay sane so that I can treat the insane. Someone rightly said doctors treating abnormality have to be slightly abnormal themselves so that they understand the phenomena. Strangely there have been days when I end up labelling myself as a schizophrenic, full of delusions and hallucinations !!!

There are moments when I really feel like refraining, but then with this fear I’ll never know what is beyond. I don’t want to live my life with regret, who knows 10 years down the line I would be exactly there where I want to be: the beautiful shell. And moreover who bothers about consequences, I have lost earlier, I can lose once again.  

TORTOISE

My dear tortoise, I have no other choice...

You are hard to find and all the time on my mind...

I am glad you came out of your beautiful shell,

Your one gesture has given all my pain a farewell...

My heart is in motion, I have no control over my emotion...

I am waiting for you since ages,

Been through a lot of trail and stages...

After all the ups and downs, twist and twine,

You are now a blessing from the divine...

It’s you for whom I pine and long,

Your heart is my home where I belong...

Let no one break me or make my life a hell,

Take me into your strong protective shell,

For that’s where I’ll forever dwell...

“Thousand of my dead hopes were rekindled again,

The desert of my heart got a full blown rain.”

SILENCE

Silence is where I dwell,

Silent is my world,

Silent are my wishes,

Silent was my melting heart that fell for you silently,

Silent was my confession,

Silent was your reaction,

But silent were never my words, neither my action, they told you everything and all my intentions,

What I received in return was your silence, the only thing I ever received from you,

I silently fought with logic and was defeated silently,

Now that silence is my new reality,

I choose to love you in silence because in silence I find no rejection. Neither is there a desire for gratification nor a need for justification,

It’s only me and my silence on a romantic spree, in silence no one owns you but only me. 

ASSASSINATION

Everything seems foggy; I can’t find my luck,

Time passes by but I am stuck.

The feelings, the mysterious connections I thought to exist,

Were probably not in the divine list.

It’s time to brush up my cognition and give my life a new direction,

For I, now belong to a different world, a world beyond your comprehension.

If ever you wish to find me, find me in my work and creation,

For then shall you come to know the truth about my heart’s assassination.

Brutal were the murderers, parasitic their affection,

For they drained the blood out of my heart with fatal intention.

Innocent was my heart dancing in the glory of its possession,

For it never knew close was the day of its resurrection.

And now my stabbed heart oozing blood out, stands the test of time,

Waiting patiently for the judgement of the divine.

Soon will the assassination give a new birth,

To an individual of righteousness, wisdom, power and flight, beyond your foresight.

The caterpillar is in its cocoon taking rest,

Out will come a beautiful wise butterfly full of zest,

With this faith I end my quest.

YOUR SMILE

So uncanny is the feeling,

I am searching words in your silence,

Trying to make out the meaning of my patience,

What gives me faith, what makes me wait,

For its only love for you and a feeling it’s never too late.

Let’s not bother, Let the eyes see each other,

Let the presence feel near, let there be no fear, lets feel dear,

Lets know and let love grow and let hearts exchange feelings to and fro.

It’s a nostalgic feeling,

Every day that’s passing seems to get me closer to you,

I don’t want to get lost in my dreams but that’s the paradise where I meet you,

Don’t know if ever you’ll be mine but I feel it ten out of nine !!!

My existence without you is lone,

For you are that beautiful, unopened chapter of my life which I can’t read alone.

Why should my heart be lonely when I know with you I am one,

Why should there be shadow when I can peep through your hearts window,

Don’t put me to test, for my heart is not at rest,

I am not that strong, and I don’t know how long,

I write because I am free,

I write because I am happy,

I write because I feel you are there for me, covered in your shell !!

You too are happy, doesn't that reflect in your smile as well ?

ROAD TO CHANGE...

Your logic says, “I don’t hear, I don’t see and that’s why I don’t believe”

My heart says “I believe and that’s how I hear and see each moment that is about to leave”

You are defensive, you are doubtful...

Accept that your soul lies within me and that’s why you feel the pull !!!

You say you exist separate, I ask how?

For I find myself in thou !!!

Your fears are what hold’s you back,

Leave your inhibitions and then see the magic work !!!

Who are you trying to deceive?

For my heart shall never believe in your pretentions,

I can see through your soul and all your intentions !!!

You are the stone that created ripples in my heart’s lake,

There is definitely an unknown force that binds us,

For even you know it’s not fake !!!

No mortal has ever escaped the abode where he is meant to land,

Have you ever been able to hold sand ?

Fight not with your destiny,

Let not past hover you,

For the “the road to change” you have taken, shall lead you honey!!!

TEN NINETEEN OUT OF TWENTY SIX

I heard you whisper and got up in the morning, looked around to find you nowhere in the surrounding...

I felt you were near me, and as I opened my eyes there was nothing to see...

I felt you touched me and when I turned to hug you around, there was no one in my arms to surround...

I looked into the mirror to find myself blushing, feeling you just teased me, but then there was no one not even a bee...

Weird was your sense of presence touching me every now and then, as if some mighty miracle has descended from the heaven...

Perplexed by the sense of your presence I gave it a thought,

I found something, you know what?

A seed of hope in my wounded heart with a delicate seedling of miracle, glowing to its glory and telling me...

Not all feelings have explanations,

Not all love has form,

It’s divine and eternal and it’s where the love comes from...

Do not question yourself in love, there is always certain madness in love,

You can never reach love’s conclusion sans this illusion...

Believe that it’s only in the experience of the formless where lays the power to attract the form,

For his soul resides within you and that’s where he comes from...

CUCKOO

The fire that you have set in my heart shall burn you as well,

For I melted in the deception of your love, you too shall melt in the absence of my love...

The wheel of fortune shall turn one day,

I shall get back all that I have given,

You too shall get back all that you have given...

You too shall pine for true love one day,

And I shall be somewhere, happy and gay...

You will search for me everywhere,

But find me nowhere...

You were the cuckoo in my life, laid love in my nest,

I thought we would nurture it together,

You flew away,

The love didn't hatch either...

TRANSFORMATORY TRANSIT

Tides of questions breaking at the shore of my heart, driving away the sand of hope,

I lose balance, I fall down, still gather strength to stand up and ask yet another question...

And then came another tide, broke at the shore of my heart, I ready to fall again,

Suddenly brought back the sand of hope, I stand astonished, puzzled, yet mesmerized by the miracle...

Life that seemed so painful turned into a beautiful reality,

The hollowness the emptiness turned into a state of contentment,

I wonder whether it’s a new found person intrinsic or extrinsic to self,

I dare not ask a single question, for I am enjoying this new found happiness...

Oh my past is such a possessive lover that it doesn't want me to hug the future,

And my future is such a liberating lover that it made me forget all the past,

Oh I am sinking deeper into the mysteries of this TRANSFORMATORY TRANSIT.....from PAST to FUTURE.

KILIG

each time someone left , i realized it was not you....
you were the intention behind everything that i did....
i received everything except you....
and now that the sense of your presence touches me...
i can sense you beyond, playing hide and seek....
this time i have a clearer perception, for i'll not let you disappear....
look i have already started glowing and shining in the magic of your love.