THE DOUBTING THOMAS

You know sometimes I get sceptical about my behaviour, it shocks me to realise that I start behaving so unlike myself.

What am I doing?, why am I doing?, what sense it makes?, what will be the repercussions?, how will I be evaluated?, am I overdoing things?, all these questions create a civil strike in my mind and leads to the ultimate pressure cooker effect.

Too much of over dependence is not good, I must learn to be independent and I don’t know how many lessons more do I need to start practicing it. But the mysterious things that are taking place disturb me. They shake my mental equilibrium and my usually level headed logic. Sometimes I think my super sensitivity and intuition are just a curse. Just imagine how difficult it is when you sense something but there is no evidence around. There is no other alternative than waiting for time to answer you and waiting !!! my god it was not something I was born for, I am born impatient.

I don’t write for anyone, I write for myself and trust me I don’t write, some external force makes me write. It’s through this that I get relief from the horrible pressure cooker effect. It somehow helps me stay sane so that I can treat the insane. Someone rightly said doctors treating abnormality have to be slightly abnormal themselves so that they understand the phenomena. Strangely there have been days when I end up labelling myself as a schizophrenic, full of delusions and hallucinations !!!

There are moments when I really feel like refraining, but then with this fear I’ll never know what is beyond. I don’t want to live my life with regret, who knows 10 years down the line I would be exactly there where I want to be: the beautiful shell. And moreover who bothers about consequences, I have lost earlier, I can lose once again.  

TORTOISE

My dear tortoise, I have no other choice...

You are hard to find and all the time on my mind...

I am glad you came out of your beautiful shell,

Your one gesture has given all my pain a farewell...

My heart is in motion, I have no control over my emotion...

I am waiting for you since ages,

Been through a lot of trail and stages...

After all the ups and downs, twist and twine,

You are now a blessing from the divine...

It’s you for whom I pine and long,

Your heart is my home where I belong...

Let no one break me or make my life a hell,

Take me into your strong protective shell,

For that’s where I’ll forever dwell...

“Thousand of my dead hopes were rekindled again,

The desert of my heart got a full blown rain.”

SILENCE

Silence is where I dwell,

Silent is my world,

Silent are my wishes,

Silent was my melting heart that fell for you silently,

Silent was my confession,

Silent was your reaction,

But silent were never my words, neither my action, they told you everything and all my intentions,

What I received in return was your silence, the only thing I ever received from you,

I silently fought with logic and was defeated silently,

Now that silence is my new reality,

I choose to love you in silence because in silence I find no rejection. Neither is there a desire for gratification nor a need for justification,

It’s only me and my silence on a romantic spree, in silence no one owns you but only me.