Saturday, 13 May 2017

EXISTENTIALLY ALONE



Lost into spaces,
Silent grimaces,
Disappeared, no traces...

Something for which I pine,
Something that I stole from time,
Something I thought I would make mine...

Of earth and earthy, Striving for the stars,
Jaded and full of scars,
Venusian I was, he was Mars...

Extracting fragments from moments,
Efforts to build dreams from ailments,
Finding hope in size of pigments...

Companionship is an illusion,
Self biased delusion,
Turmoiled self's distorted perception...

Into deeper knowledge I delve,
Seeking completion and help,
To realize that the real resources in life lies within the self...

To comprehend the supreme truth and its dawn,
To not cry for whats gone,

EVERY HUMAN ON EARTH IS EXISTENTIALLY ALONE !

Tuesday, 20 December 2016

THE FLIGHT HIGHER UP




The higher up I rose,
The deeper I sank,
Feelings drowned me,
Felt like a divine prank...

On one of those clouds I want to sit and float,
Look there, on the horizon I see God's abode...

The infinity of the divinity made everything seem so insignificant,
A feeling that was so incessant...

All my pride went in vain,
So less I know was the cause of my pain...

Sense of greatness is what I always sought,
Not knowing how beautiful it is to be small like a dot...

As a seeker of knowledge I felt so ignorant,
Surge to comprehend the magnanimous divine alchemy was rampant...

I knew I was somewhere far,
The view down earth was bizarre...

It bothered me too much not to care,
The meaninglessness of everything on earth got gradually bare...

Too incapacitated to decipher the divine intention,
We mortals are less foresighted and prone to deception... 

Upon this realization came surrender exclusively liberating,
From the ignorance so excruciating...

The enlightened new me, many things could see,
See the divine vision that sets one free..

Too earthy and mortal to comprehend the divine and his mysterious ways,
HIS infinite visions are the ones that make my days...

The higher up I rose,
The deeper I sank,
Feelings drowned me,
Felt like a divine prank...







Tuesday, 3 May 2016

WITHOUT YOU

Sometimes I miss you like the desert misses the rain. It’s one of those times now when existence seems so meaningless without you. The hours haunt me and don’t let me escape, turning me into a restless puppet at the hands of destiny.



All I do is watch the clock ticking second by second alarming me of the passing time that I lose without you. My over indulgence in the causes, the reasons, the ‘why’s’ lead me to a non-conclusive conclusion, circumlocuting into a vicious spiral. The more I delve, the greater I get sucked into the spiral unable to return to normalcy, a numb zone.

I was never able to tell myself how much I loved you. Every time I tried to quantify it just amplified! Unrequited though it was but it made me feel alive. Lies, deception and rejection though it was, it made me feel at home. And now I thrive on a barren land often gazing into the mighty space trying to figure out the directions. You are like those impossible breaths that I can’t stop from breathing, the moment I stop, I know I would die.

Discomforting the way you are, arouses fear of abandonment within me. You are my worst nightmare. When you were gone, I realized that sometimes our biggest dreams are contained within our worst nightmares and sometimes home is not that comforting. Yet with you was an imperfect peaceful alliance like two disharmonious cords making rhythm together.

You are the only thing that beckons me and I so wish were close, yet I chose to walk away and you chose to let me go. In you something devastative I fear, that  sends me into years of seclusion seeking the comfort of loving you in silence. I will be back to relive those times spent with you, every year this day, in my memories.  And now I don’t cry because you are gone, I smile because you happened, to bring out infinite love in me within the finite possibilities.

MY LOVE TO YOU, I BEQUEATH,
FOR EVERY WITHOUT IS FOLLOWED BY A WITH…


Tuesday, 26 January 2016

ENGRAVE


Amidst the most certain things that ditched,
You were the most uncertain thing that persevered,
And I got hitched…

My belief in love as an act of persistence,
Brought about this consistence,
Through my need of succurance…

I have died a thousand deaths in your love,
I can die a thousand more,
But to my remorse,
Neither could those thousand change you, nor will a thousand more…

Your lies paved my grave,
And I ran into it in search of hope,
I was desperate they say,
But you see, I was brave…

Brave to stand on my grave,
Against all odds to break the codes,
To believe in things you made invisible,
To let you know my spirit is incorrigible…

The realisation that I no longer need your love,
Made my way to eternity’s hub,
Time ends for those who need love,
But for those who love, it lasts forever,
A truth that no mortal force can shove…

One day when the sun be above the horizon, the dust of fear shall settle,
And your eyes more able,
Shall make your heart walk to my grave,
Covered by flowers of longing and crave,
You shall still find me,
In these words that I ENGRAVE…





Sunday, 10 January 2016

WRITER'S RETREAT

For every writer in love, their beloved is a Deity,
And writing, an institution of worship,
For the beloved finds eternity in their sacred words, beyond the principle of time...

Holding the pen is like identifying the beloved's presence,
Writing is like making love to them,
Fueled by desire to write, like passion on fire,
Publishing like love manifest !


Sunday, 4 October 2015

UNSAID


There were so many things I couldn’t say,
You turned your back and walked away…

Even in your absence,
Things made sense…
And after much rumination there was illumination and I could know the reason why,
It was the love you had accidentally passed me by…

And now till forever…
As the sun sets, you rise in my heart, and it’s just the start…
Of a journey to my land of dreams, beyond the realms…
Where I meet you every day,
And the moon can vouch,
It was just meant to be this way…

You can give me million reasons,
Change time and tide,
But you can’t stop my heart that’s on your love ride…

And every day my memories from your heart you try to bream,
Just take a chance and let me in,
And I will show you how to dream…

There were no lies between you and me,
Through each other we could see,
The beautiful world that is meant to be…
You said nothing of what you knew,
The secrets of your heart were not few,
Yet something in you I could feel,
The careless gestures of love that you tried to conceal…

Is there no love in your heart for me?
You have closed your eyes,
You just don’t want to see…

Undercurrents don’t arise without reason,
Neither does the heart dance to unknown signs,
The clouds are pregnant,
Let the dessert receive its first rain…

Don’t complicate it,
Together it could be a perfect fit,
And trust me we can make it….

I have been patient,
But my faith is on a sway,
Don’t let it go away,
Am giving up day by day,
And we know it was not meant to end this way…

Monday, 10 August 2015

JADE

Resting spaces and unseen grimaces,
Known words and unknown silences,
Visible deception and hidden faces,
Camouflage vision and reality has no traces...

The heart always sees its desire,
Foolish it is to ignore what is bizarre,
Bonded to self defeating fragments of wire,
Burning painfully in a self created fire...

Losing thyself I thought I found you,
I lost self and your presence had no clue,
Hope made me stick to your thoughts like a glue,
Very late did I realize it was a process of self sue...

Words hurt and scar more than you think,
I was torn apart in an eyes blink,
I once connected and in your love I sink,
Surprisingly now I don’t find the link...

Chiseled are my feelings and nothing left to preserve,
As I observe,
Your words painfully resonate from its conserve,
I have let you hurt me more than I deserve...

May be tomorrow I will live the words you said,
My heart is Red,
I will let go off your hurtful love for which I was not made,

A gem but a stone, your heart is a Jade...

Sunday, 12 July 2015

EVERYDAY


Understand my silence when I am too afraid to speak to you
Look into my eyes they are waiting for you
Believe my truth it was only you

I am not ignorant of your efforts, neither am I unaware of your pain
Your feelings have drenched me like the rain
It’s only your love that has kept me sane

All that I could give you is freedom of choice
The freedom to come and go without noise
And in turn you taught me poise

Never have I been touched with a love of this kind
Beyond earthy principles, beyond comprehension of the mind
You are a gem that is difficult to find

I understand your unspoken
And even though you were broken
You loved in silence and I was taken

You are always in my prayers without a say
For whom we love don’t go away

They walk beside us every day...........

Thursday, 11 June 2015

FOREVER

I will remain in you forever,
You chase me out and I will linger,
For even if you escape me, you can’t escape my thought
And that’s what would hurt,

You pushed me to a corner,
It ignited the burner,
It clearly showed me my place,
I loved it there because that was your grace,

Not all flames set fire, Some set smoke
And I choke...
Smoke dissipates,
The confusion of your presence suffocates...

Why did you leave things incomplete and unclear?
Moments of longing act like spear,
Cutting through my clouded heart of desire,
Will I ever see you? ... its bizarre

What’s mine???
Mind, body and soul make a complex trine...
Incompatible dimensions, paradoxical intentions,
Living through ramifications...

The mismatched pieces of puzzle lead somewhere,
To a no man’s land, no where...
Where heaven and earth unite,
Free from bondages, the hour of the twilight...

The fire you have set in my heart shall light you forever,
And you know it’s not over,
How can you stay in peace...

When I will love you forever !!!

Thursday, 19 March 2015

I HATE YOU

I don’t think you made my life better but definitely you didn’t worsen it either.  You were never present, but you never let me feel your absence either. With you it’s a love hate paradox.  

I hate you for not doing things my way, but the outcome is beautiful when things are your way...
I hate your uncertainty but then the most certain things in life have ditched...
You didn’t give me what I wanted, but you also didn’t give me what I didn’t want...

You torture, you play mind games, and you irritate and then strangely leave a deep desire sinking within me to spend every irritating minute with you...
I have no right to stop you from going, but I can at least say please don’t leave

No just leave, I hate you...

I don’t want you... 
wait I mean..... I badly need u...

Friday, 13 February 2015

SOULMATE

Losing through you what seemed myself, I find selves unimaginably mine[e. e. Cummings]

“And when one of them meets with his other half… the pair is lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and would not be out of the other’s sight…: these are the people who pass their whole lives together; yet they could not explain what they desire of one another.” [Plato, 360 B.C.E]

This is exactly what happens when you meet your soulmate. You don’t meet your soulmate easily nor do you meet until you have attained the wisdom to recognise him or her. God polishes you, makes you go through fire, makes you strong and worthy of your soulmate. Its not until you have passed these karmic testings that u’ll meet your soulmate. Soulmates are not two people who rush into a relationship before they are wise enough to choose. Your soulmate moves you from your reality to god’s reality. And once you have stood the test of time and have known your soulmate, you will feel entirely whole, healed and intact in his or her presence, like no piece missing from the puzzle and feel enriched in your spirit.

It is said that since the beginning of time everyone was created as perfect soul. These souls had two halves. One half consisted of the male energy and the other half consisted of the female energy. Each was incomplete without the other and together they were power house of energy and creativity. Together they were the ultimate dynamo and hence susceptible to pride and exploitation.  To teach a lesson the creator separated these halves into human forms and bought them into worldly existence, to live their independent lives, experience and expand and undergo their individual karmic testing till they are wise and worthy enough to unite with their other half.

Failure to overcome your karmic testing would lead to failure in finding your soulmate. There is an incomplete feeling in the process. There is a void within you. There is loneliness and separation, which gives rise to a desire to connect to your soulmate. This is why when you meet your soulmate, there is an instant connection and you really can’t figure out the reason behind your meeting. You feel strange yet intrigued by the mystery of your meeting. There is a deep sense of connection and understanding and you feel very familiar and just a feeling of being at home. This person may not be the kind of people you usually interact with yet this unfamiliarity gives way to familiarity, security and comfort. You are drawn like a magnet to this person. It becomes difficult to lament reasons for your attraction to this person. Amidst the frustration to understand this strange alchemy, you might want to move away from this person but something gets you back to this person again and again.

It’s strange but you can read each other’s mind. Words really don’t matter; it’s just that you both know. You both are telepathically connected and similar in many fashions, yet different to complement each other. This person is not someone you want but someone you need to change your life for the better and bring about virtues in you that you badly need to learn. In any soul mate relationship, you will need to give up the illusion that there is a perfect person waiting for you who will fulfil your every expectation and give you everything you desire. Do not expect your ideal soul mate to be someone who is always loving and easy to get along with, who agrees with everything you say or do, and who brings you a life of ease or comfort. It’s a paradox, you really can’t figure out the answer why you fell for this person yet this person would bring you nothing but happiness.

The discernible meeting of an intimate soul mate comes with powerful emotion and strong physical attraction. There is a chemistry and instant recognition. There is an overwhelming aura of this person that hovers over you, passions run deep and at times to the extent of ruminations and obsessions. But unlike other relationships you don’t feel like resisting this ardour rather lose yourself into its mesmerising captivity.

What, did I hear you asking me how do you search for your soulmate???

My friend, trust me, give up searching. Soulmates can never be searched for, they just happen to meet !!! They will not arrive in your life until you are tried and tested, until destiny churns and twists your patience, your dreams and every emotion, till finally when you hopelessly give up. And then the tides take turn and enters this grand person into your life with silent footsteps at a destined time beyond your control, often accidentally, and without your recognition as such. You should take risks, meet failures, disappointment and disillusion, but you should never give up faith and cease in your search for love, for in the end you will triumph, your patience, perseverance and persistence will never go unrewarded

Don’t expect this person to arrive and change you, you find the balance first and move towards change, and then they will eventually come and take you to the unexplored realms of life, the wild blue unknown yonder. You both would be like balloons moving together in one direction and that direction is up. When soulmates meet things just happen, every possible obstacle dissipates into the air, impossible turns into possible, miracles happen and that’s how the divine hand blesses you, because you have successfully accomplished the divine will. As rightly said by Arielle Ford “When deep down in the core of your being you believe that your soulmate exists, there is no limit to the ways he or she can enter your life”

And this valentine it would be incomplete if I cease to address my hearts longing to you my soulmate, for I know you are somewhere seeking me, listening to my hearts call...

I know I’ll find you accidentally, amidst trading hearts,
I’ll take a deep breath and stand amazed, sensing cupid’s silent darts...
And slowly I’ll find myself melting to your silent hypnotic gestures,
My broken heart will start healing all its raptures...
Your handsome intense face would be so familiar,
That I have known you since ages, my twin soul, would be absolutely clear...
You would send me into a state of trance, where I would be waiting for a chance,
To be in your arms and make with you the divine love dance...
When I sit in silence and asked my heart, who do I belong to? Every part of my heart shouts yes, yes, yes it’s you!!! .
With you I would be one, with you I would grow with virtues that never belonged to me, with you I would be complete, secured and fearless, with you there would be no barriers of distance, time or space,

With you my will would be at par with god and my loved ones, with you my desires would come to an end and supreme bliss I would transcend, intoxicated by your presence every second.

Thursday, 5 February 2015

VOID

Part of everyone’s happiness, away from mine
Amidst fog waiting for sunshine
Every passing time brings cloud of change
Moments of regret have no exchange
Thoughts tend to meander and fear makes total surrender
What keep things going, I wonder...

In parts I search for my scattered self
Should I seek for help?
What I seek is not what seeks me
Make me void of desire, it’s a humble plea
The divine is too difficult to comprehend
Give me the wisdom to mark the end...

Singing song to a tune that does not fit
Accepting potential misfit
Accused n not able to explain
Who am I suppose to blame?
I am a prisoner of my heart and guilty by mind
Winning one day at a time, no rewind...




Friday, 26 September 2014

UNREQUITED LOVE

With you I have been in love of a kind I have never been before,
Washed by the waves, unable to drown I am struggling at your shore.

Stepped on every stone and pebble that you do,
Breathe the air that touches you,
Felt everything you go through,
So close to you yet far away, I am at a loss when I think what to do !!!

My love is effortless, for my restlessness and desire can never get me to you,
It’s only yours that can get us together, but the chances are few.
To let you go is not easy but to hold on to you is simply crazy,
I doubt whether we share the same feelings, an expert at circumlocution that you are, making everything appear hazy.

My deliberations don’t help me,
The greater I keep the distance the closer they get me.
It’s a cosmic conspiracy,
Of which there is no escape, how do I explain this urgency.

It’s difficult to take off, my emotions are greasy,
Words don’t come easy,
Your presence scares,
Your gruff manners and eccentricity tears.

What a tremendous sense of control you have over me,
I am losing myself on to thee.
I wish it was easy to escape your hypnotic trap and just walk away,
Of which I make futile efforts every day.

My heart is in a civil strife,
Not knowing what it wants, leads to sadistic ripples that cut like a knife.
Will I ever fit into those glass slippers?
I am insidiously burning in your flame that flickers.

Can someone tell you how it creates distortion of self?
Can I ever tell you I need your help?
Can someone tell you, the unstitched corners of my heart need to be sew?
Can I ever tell how intensely I feel for you?

I know my love would disappear one day into the air,
Unsaid, unheard and unanswered, layer by layer,
But I often ask myself would it be fair?
To not let you know somebody at a distance loves you and needs your care.

Strange is this saga of unrequited love,
For it giving this fire within me a fan,
I don’t want to do what I can,

For I am already enjoying this painfully joyous existence, against my logical plan !!!




Saturday, 6 September 2014

DEW DIAMONDS

Way long back something bright and twinkling caught my attention
When my little feet were dancing on the wet winter grass full of illusion
It shined and dazzled like diamond reflecting the sun’s penetrating rays
When my innocent curiosity tried to hold the dew drops in multiple ways

The bubbly cheer on my face faded into fear
When I found the dew drops disappear
Tears rolled down my soft plump cheeks
And my little heart broke with pain that still leaks

I ran to mamma for her embrace was my healing balm
Secure was her presence that helped me calm
Not knowing that the world was cruel
I complained her somebody stole my dew drops before I could hold them well

Mamma kissed me on my forehead and hugged me tight
Making every effort to protect my innocent heart that was captured by fright
Said mamma something that bought sparkle to my wet round eyes
That restored hope and I knew they were not lies

“One day will enter an angel into your life from the heaven
And will get you back everything that was ever taken
All you need to do is patiently wait by letting things go
For the angel shall turn the dew drops into diamond which you can hold and show

My child the dew drops were never gone,
They just disappeared so that they again come when its dawn
The dawn upon you of the wisdom

And then shall the angel take you to where you belong, your diamond studded kingdom”


Friday, 15 August 2014

YOU ARE NOT WRONG, BUT DIFFERENTLY RIGHT !!!

For you, I just want to write,
Not knowing what, gives me a fright,
Cause you are so far away from my sight,
But I’ll still write as it gives me so much of delight,
To let you know you are not wrong but differently right !!!

It’s very important you know you are interesting,
And very differently tempting,
You keep me intrigued and I just keep on thinking,
That I can someday match your mental perplexity and just know what makes you so mysteriously stunning !!!

Every time you are gone, I know you are gone to be back again,
And every time you are back it’s like the years first magnificent summer rain.
I just don’t want to hold on; you are beautiful when you are free,
Enjoying myself giggle at your humorous spree.
Knowing the fact that you hurt but you also heal,
I don’t know how to resist and keep myself away from your feel !!!

Have you ever observed these crabs on a beach?
They are just so impossible to reach !!!
Their funny side waddle is just what defines you,
They veer first left and then right,
When you try to get close to them they are just out of your sight !!!
Then you patiently wait to see them beautifully peek out of their shells when the shores rain,
You’ll be tempted to get close to them all over again.
And when you lose hope and just walk away,
You find them lunge forward and grab your toe, not to let you move and just to make you stay !!!

With you I am locked up in a mental alchemy,
Trying to find an answer to this strange symphony,
Submerged in these mysterious equations,
I am at a lose when I figure out your intentions,
You are such a fog,

I wonder whether to give you a cold shoulder or a warm hug !!!

Thursday, 17 July 2014

DREAMS ARE MY ONLY REALITY

I can’t dwell in your world it’s too coarse for my sensitive heart,
Let me be delusional and let me hallucinate,
For it gives life to my soul and is my sanctity,
How do I explain that dreams are my only reality!!!

I met you in my dreams,
And every night I still do,
My dreams bring you back to me every time you are gone,
Your logic is of no utility,
How do I explain that dreams are my only reality!!!

I treasure the angel that you are in my dreams... it’s beautiful,
I don’t want to shape you into reality, for it might turn you into a devil... it’s painful,
Be there in my dreams and I’ll love you forever,
Do not touch my reality... I fear it might change you for the worse,
And I’ll be gone one day to be back never.

My dreams give meaning to your existence,
For some day if I fail to close my eyes, you too shall be gone,
Why not close my eyes forever to be with you till eternity,

How do I explain that dreams are my only reality!!!

Saturday, 21 June 2014

THE CALL OF MY SOUL

The call of my soul,
If u listen to it I shall be whole...
For I am so incomplete without you, so hollow within,
Like a dormant volcano, the exterior of which seems so serene...
Every moment your presence overwhelms me,
And love for you rolls down from my eyes like river from sea...
My eyes are frantically searching for you,
And I know it’s not easy, cause you are not among few...

How long, how much,
I can’t take it as such...
The wait is killing, pricking and painful,
But it’s also worth it and soulful...

I wonder do you feel same without me,
And if so why are you not here with me?
Yes I desire to be in your arms, to be right next to your heart,
But I really don’t know where and how to make the start...

You are there I am sure,
But I might find you in the wrong one is what I fear...
Every day I pray to god to make me beautiful in your love,
It’s your compliments that I crave for, rest all is fake that I shove...
My eyes still glitter, cause they know they’ll see you soon,
My smile still creates magic, cause you are there in my heart as happiness just like Sunday noon.
I pray it doesn’t get too late and god rewards my faith and patience,

Else when you would come, I should have broken into pieces of which you should find no traces...

Tuesday, 6 May 2014

THE LEAP OF FAITH

You know I was almost about to give up, thinking that you never connected the way I did. I thought I was creating an unnecessary world of illusion for myself. And then like a miracle I came across this wonderful inspirational interview of Vishen lakhiani on you tube. I could just relate to him so much. He said “reality is nothing but a malleable illusion”: we can bend reality by creating our own visions and believing them to happen. He also said “don’t worry about ‘how’ your dreams come to you, just ask for them and believe they’ll come”. This gave such a boost to my dying spirit. He also spoke of the significance of ESP [extra sensory perception] and the power of the alpha state of the subconscious mind. ESP is something I have been experiencing since childhood and so after listening to his speech my belief in it got strengthened.
There is another paranormal thing that happened to me. I dare to share with you coz I know it’s only you who will understand, rest will laugh it off am sure. Yesterday in the wee hours of the dawn I had a dream, I heard you calling my name and as I turned around a spider crawled upon me. Dreams are the road to unconscious and there’s nothing more powerful than the unconscious mind: I believe this and it’s established as well. Morning when I got up I immediately started writing this and you won’t believe while I am writing this I see a spider crawling on the wall facing opposite to me!!! Now you must be wondering what a spider has to do with all this. Since the past few months I have been closely associated with nature and it was the only source of spiritual guidance and messages. I did everything as per the guidance of the divine through nature, starting from connecting to you telepathically to writing. Trust me writing was a long lost creativity which I realised recently until a spider came my way. It was 3 months back when I wanted you to know what I feel for you [but not through the conventional way]. It was during these moments of contemplation that a strange spider [very rare to sight] crawled into my room, it crawled on my pen and books. I was afraid of it but at the same time I was intrigued by its mysterious presence. Then what next? I immediately resorted to my best friend: Google Search. As I googled I came across some articles on spider totem, the spiritual medicine of spider, shamanism etc. I was enthralled about was I read about spiders. It said spiders visit you when you are at heights of creativity. Spiders visit those who create magic through their words and make their dream come true. Spider is symbolic of patience, feminine energy, magic, creativity and communication. And that’s how I started writing thinking you’ll connect [and I am sure u did, though silently], thinking my words will create magic [get you into my life]. Even when I stopped writing to you few days back, trust me spiders started visiting me again, coaxing me to start writing again [and the result I am writing now].
I was being impatient [I am not as patient as you are], trying to find physical proof of my experiences. I didn’t understand that the right time hasn’t come yet. However I am happy I have found you and now I am trying to gather patience as much as I can: waiting for you is worth it, you are my twin soul. You are the one that captures my attention and captivates me silently, yet steadily into his hypnotic web. You are the one who gives me such a sense of security and honesty, despite the fact that I haven’t seen you, spoken to you nor have known you!!! No one else can match up to you and that’s why I say you are worth waiting for.
The mysterious connections that existed between both of us can’t be false, the subtle clues that you gave me can’t be meaningless, why am I not able to take you off my mind?, why does that recurrent, irritating gut feeling tells, you will come, why is this uncanny feeling that you too are searching for me and are going through everything that I am writing? Why is this strong feeling that I already know you and you are the one I was searching for? Even when I am not writing my mind is connected to you and I feel you are there.
Now I am taking a huge leap, the leap of faith, I’ll not break, I’ll patiently wait till the day comes when our silence will no more speak, it will be our eyes that will speak. I believe that the divinity will bring you to me for you shall never remain untouched by my passion and devotion for you. It’s my faith that will make this miracle happen, I don’t know how, but the miracle will happen for sure. I know you are just like me, you’ll never settle with someone until and unless you find what you are searching for. My quest is over and yours will be over the day you meet me. And to you all that I can say is I am waiting for you, ready to face the challenges of life with you. 



Thursday, 24 April 2014

THE DOUBTING THOMAS

You know sometimes I get sceptical about my behaviour, it shocks me to realise that I start behaving so unlike myself.

What am I doing?, why am I doing?, what sense it makes?, what will be the repercussions?, how will I be evaluated?, am I overdoing things?, all these questions create a civil strike in my mind and leads to the ultimate pressure cooker effect.

Too much of over dependence is not good, I must learn to be independent and I don’t know how many lessons more do I need to start practicing it. But the mysterious things that are taking place disturb me. They shake my mental equilibrium and my usually level headed logic. Sometimes I think my super sensitivity and intuition are just a curse. Just imagine how difficult it is when you sense something but there is no evidence around. There is no other alternative than waiting for time to answer you and waiting !!! my god it was not something I was born for, I am born impatient.

I don’t write for anyone, I write for myself and trust me I don’t write, some external force makes me write. It’s through this that I get relief from the horrible pressure cooker effect. It somehow helps me stay sane so that I can treat the insane. Someone rightly said doctors treating abnormality have to be slightly abnormal themselves so that they understand the phenomena. Strangely there have been days when I end up labelling myself as a schizophrenic, full of delusions and hallucinations !!!


There are moments when I really feel like refraining, but then with this fear I’ll never know what is beyond. I don’t want to live my life with regret, who knows 10 years down the line I would be exactly there where I want to be: the beautiful shell. And moreover who bothers about consequences, I have lost earlier, I can lose once again.