You know sometimes I get sceptical about my
behaviour, it shocks me to realise that I start behaving so unlike myself.
What am I doing?, why am I doing?, what sense it
makes?, what will be the repercussions?, how will I be evaluated?, am I overdoing
things?, all these questions create a civil strike in my mind and leads to the
ultimate pressure cooker effect.
Too much of over dependence is not good, I must
learn to be independent and I don’t know how many lessons more do I need to
start practicing it. But the mysterious things that are taking place disturb
me. They shake my mental equilibrium and my usually level headed logic. Sometimes
I think my super sensitivity and intuition are just a curse. Just imagine how
difficult it is when you sense something but there is no evidence around. There
is no other alternative than waiting for time to answer you and waiting !!! my
god it was not something I was born for, I am born impatient.
I don’t write for anyone, I write for myself and
trust me I don’t write, some external force makes me write. It’s through this
that I get relief from the horrible pressure cooker effect. It somehow helps me
stay sane so that I can treat the insane. Someone rightly said doctors treating
abnormality have to be slightly abnormal themselves so that they understand the
phenomena. Strangely there have been days when I end up labelling myself as a
schizophrenic, full of delusions and hallucinations !!!
There are moments when I really feel like
refraining, but then with this fear I’ll never know what is beyond. I don’t want
to live my life with regret, who knows 10 years down the line I would be
exactly there where I want to be: the beautiful shell. And moreover who bothers
about consequences, I have lost earlier, I can lose once again.
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